Here I am once again--wanting to write, but am lacking any real direction or inspiration. I considered a couple of possibilities: 1) Posting a song from Enya's Amarantine album or Madonna's Die Another Day, from the James Bond film by the same name, of course; or 2) doing another Anatomy of Childhood entry. However, the one song--even though there're others I wouldn't mind posting from her album--Amid the Falling Snow is one I would love to post when it's snowing, because of its very nature...or lyrics, I should say. And Madonna's song, well, I want to post it when I do an entry on how I'm in a vampire mood right now. (I'll explain more later in that particular entry itself.)

That leads to rejected-for-now Possibility No. Two. The Anatomy of Childhood. The "chocolate" that appealed most to my taste buds today is an activity that requires imagination, traveling and money. I have the imagination, but I do not have the traveling ability or the money, so I have to brainstorm on how best to adapt this activity to what I can do on my own. Which will take a while.

And this challenge is actually leading me inadvertently to another possibility: Emma's suggestion. At first, when she suggested the topic a while ago, of writing about how disabilities affect relationships of every kind I thought, But I do that already, almost every time I write a disability entry. How can you not write about this, in some form or other? Relationships are a natural, everyday part of life no one can escape. Totally, at least. So I saw no point in writing an essay or entry about disabilities and relationships.

But I got to thinking. Especially after a recent conversation with one of my sisters and a comment that has been made occasionally since I've returned home from ISU. "You hardly ever get out! How can you meet someone if you don't get out?" Uh...well, it's kinda hard to when everyone is gone most of the day, busy with either school (Aubree) or work (Mom, Aubree--when she chooses to go in, Kami and Dad), and when Mom chooses to drive the van everywhere she goes. That's not to say I couldn't use public transport, but that requires moolah. Five dollars to go here, five more dollars to come back home. Gets pretty expensive for someone on a very limited budget.

Wow. Sorry, I went off on a short tangent there, but I guess that's one way my disability affects me, family and care provider-wise. For my mother is my care provider. Another way my disability affects family members is when they hurt their backs lifting me wrong. That presents a problem when I need help or need lifting or transferring.

As for friendships being affected by the disability? It limits how often I see them and hang out with them. I cannot drive and therefore I cannot go to them. Well, as often as I would like. 'Cause sometimes Mom or someone in my family is willing or able to drop me off at whatever place whichever friend of mine and I decided to meet. Otherwise, it's them coming to my home to see me. And with busy schedules--or the flu--that's not very often.

But there're positive effects a disability has on relationships, I'm thinking. Having a disability isn't all bad. For family members a disability, whether physical or mental, opens their eyes and gives them a larger dose of compassion. It broadens their scope of understanding, of acceptance of others who're different than the "norm." Which is funny, because we are all different. And if you think about it, normal is all relative.

Friendship-wise, a disability, especially for one in a wheelchair like me, presents challenges, or rather challenges for those who're friends with the disabled I mean. Challenges to discover ways to do what would be ordinary activities, like bowling and dancing. Or swimming. Being a friend to someone who's disabled is never truly boring. At least, I think so. When I bowl, I get to use a ramp for zee ball. And if I really wanted to, I could request the bumpers be pulled up, so I'd never get a gutterball! Heh! 'Course, then neither would my friends or family, and they'd still beat me. Hmmm...

Romance/relationship-wise...a disability, I think, is a true test of love. In this day and age especially. People are so into what is sexy, beautiful and "hot!" And sad to say but true, disabilities aren't any of those. So, for anyone to get involved with someone who has a disability--without the motivation of money--they would have to be pretty special. For, they would have to look beyond the disability, the outward appearance, to discover the worthwhile person inside. And for them to fall in love with that person...well, it shows how real and genuine the relationship is. It will not fall apart so easily.

There will be tough times, yes, when the disability becomes overwhelming for both parties, but...they will end up helping each other through the hard times. The hard part for me, at this time in regards to this, is even though I know this, and though I have felt there is someone for me out there and long ago have felt his "presence," is the watching of family and friends and their relationships.

Yes, I have said I'm happy being single. And for the most part I am, but it still would be nice to be loved, desired and wanted romantically. To have someone special to share my life with. The waiting and watching get hard at times. After all, I'm only human.

Disabilities don't make life or relationships easy. But what would life and relationships be like if there were no challenges to test and refine them?

moon phase