Today's photo challenge is:

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity...

Burdened

This is really a difficult prompt for me to complete for some reason. I really don't know if this is my biggest insecurity, but I do know it's a fear I have: being a burden to others. And if this isn't my biggest insecurity, then what is? Being undesirable to men? I'll admit to being insecure about that, thanks to two failed relationships and a penpal/online chat "friend" from Washington walking away from our friendship because he couldn't deal with my disability. But even with this, I've a feeling deep down that there is someone special out there for me. We just have yet to meet, or if we have, we have yet to get together. So while I get lonely at times, and wish and hope and dream, being a burden to others still tops this.

*thinks* I guess it's hard for me to do this prompt because I see being a burden as more a fear than an insecurity, but I can see it as an insecurity on one hand.

Recently--over Christmas vacation--I had several moments where being disabled was quite overwhelming and burdensome. You see, before I moved to Poky I was so used to having one aide (my mom...or sometimes another family member) lift me when I needed transferring from and back to my bed, my chair or the toilet. It never felt like a hardship on them--or at least, they never really made me feel like it was. Now that I'm on my own I have a few aides hired by a care agency, who come into my home to help, and because they answer to this agency and the agency is responsible for my care and safety, there are state rules and regulations everyone needs to follow. So, because of this and my mobility issues, I'm now considered a two-person transfer. Not a proud realization for me, but it's an inescapable fact. =0/

And because I now require two people for a transfer throughout the day I need more hours of care, but, due to cuts in Medicaid services...I'm not allowed anymore till I can get a redetermination in my care plan. Even then I might not get more. So my aides and I have to be careful and watchful of how many hours they're here at my place. Having two people here at once on duty will eat up my alloted hours quite quickly. (For example, say a shift is two hours long. If two aides are here for the whole shift, each billing for the time they're here, that's four hours instead of two! I only have so many hours a day, and so many a week. If they're all used up before the week or month is over I'm up a creek with no paddle!

Going home this past Christmas was a lil stressful I'm afraid. Mom has a back injury and cannot lift anymore, and lifting me has even become a bit tough on Dad. (Hey, we're all getting old.) Besides, when it wasn't Christmas or New Year's Dad had to work and my sister Jessy, who visited with her family, couldn't lift because of a bad back. Therefore I worried about being a burden on my family. I wished I could just go home and be able to take care of myself, like any other able-bodied person. But I can't, because of my disability. I wanted to wish it away. At the time I wished I could have.

*sigh and yawns* Besides being loved and wanted and appreciated, and even recognized as a valuable person, ALL I really want in life is to give back to those who give, or who've given, me so much. I want to be able to help them or serve them as they help and serve me! Saying thank you over and over doesn't seem like it's enough. I don't want to be a burden on others but a helpful blessing, if that makes sense.

moon phase